


Lost It All

by landminecat



Series: Chiral Network [4]
Category: Death Stranding (Video Games)
Genre: Childhood Trauma, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, First Time, Fluff, Higgs' Journal, Hurt/Comfort, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Post-Game(s), Praise Kink, Slow Burn, Trust Issues, Unbeta'd, emotional Higgs, let's just give Higgs some love okay, snarkiness, spoilers for the end of the game
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-01
Updated: 2020-01-21
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:48:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 18,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22074988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/landminecat/pseuds/landminecat
Summary: Maybe he was actually telling the truth.Maybe he was just as lost as the rest of the world.EDIT: I decided to change the ending of this story and add a few more scenes. I only edited the final paragraph, so I squeezed everything that's new into Chapter 2. I hope you guys like this, I'm much happier with it the way it is now.
Relationships: Higgs Monaghan/Reader
Series: Chiral Network [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1582771
Comments: 45
Kudos: 155





	1. Lost it All

**Author's Note:**

> The title is inspired by the song "Lost It All" by Black Veil Brides.

_I ruled the world_

_With these hands I shook the heavens to the ground_

_I laid the gods to rest_

_I held the key to the kingdom_

_Lions guarding castle walls_

_Hail the king of death_

_(…)_

_I stood above, another war_

_Another jewel above the crown_

_I was the fear of man_

_But I was blind_

_I couldn't see_

_The world there right in front of me_

_But now I can_

You hated this. You hated the weather, you hated the temperature, you hated the fact that it was getting late and that you were still far away from your shelter. Did you mention that you hated the weather? Well, now that you did the timefall got even heavier. Be careful what you wish for, you guessed, sighing and adjusting your backpack. There was nowhere to rest or hide from the rain so the only way for you right now was forward.

It was during times like these that you regretted the fact that your shelter has not yet been connected to the chiral network. No timefall shelters, no bridges, no structures at all. Just some rocks and an ever expanding MULE territory. If it wasn’t for your job, you would have moved to one of the Knot Cities a long time ago. Unfortunately your research demanded a very specific climate and a very specific location. Which was both your doom and the best thing to happen to you as you were at least left alone, but then every single time you needed resources or instruments you had to get them on your own. Usually on foot and usually under the worst imaginable weather.

Ever since Sam Porter Bridges connected most of the facilities in America to the UCA, it was getting harder to avoid MULEs. Their camps kept moving unpredictably and they were constantly adjusting the type of weapons they used. You were lucky to avoid them during your expeditions as you usually travelled light; unfortunately there were more and more news about your colleagues getting ambushed and robbed, usually not even remotely close to the MULE territory. It made your heart skip a beat every time you heard an unknown noise, even if it was just an animal passing you by. You already filed for a contract with a porter company a while ago as they were much better equipped to handle such situations, but no single one wanted to take it as the deliveries were unevenly spaced and relatively rare. Therefore most of the equipment you needed you actually had to pick up yourself. It didn’t help that the equipment you needed for your research was very valuable. You were actually hoping that the MULEs were stupid enough to not realize what your company’s researchers were carrying. The chiral transmitters didn’t _look_ valuable, but if disassembled into parts they could fetch insane prices on the black market. You knew this, the other researchers knew this; hopefully, the MULEs didn’t.

Coming back from Mountain Knot City you didn’t have far to travel, but you did have to do some hiking. You actually liked the fact that your shelter was located in a very remote location. It was quiet and really hard to find if you didn’t know where to look. The proximity of caves and passages was also something that worked to your advantage. It was incredibly easy to get lost, slip and fall or take a wrong turn and end up in a completely different place. Of course you knew the paths by heart and it always made you laugh at all your guests trying to locate the lab and cursing for a few minutes after they arrived. You wanted to put up some signage at some point but dropped the idea pretty fast. It was one of your only sources of amusement during your working hours.

You decided to think about the good things. In an hour or so you’ll finally be able to dig into the sweets Heartman sent you as a thank you gift. You noticed gingerbread cookies, candy, caramel fudge and shortbread. You were right to leave those for later. Now you had something to look forward to.

You could almost see the path leading to the first of the intersections you had to pass when the rain almost stopped. A few drops here and there, but at least it was easier to see now. You were just about to turn left and pass one of the meadows when something caught your eye. A movement; normally your instincts would tell you to expect some kind of a forest animal, but there was no wildlife here; timefall got rid of it very effectively. You had to learn to not trust your instincts anymore. You suddenly felt blood rush to your head, filling your ears with a slow thrum of your own heartbeat. There was a sudden weight in your stomach slowly giving way to panic. Was someone here? Who could it be? Were you supposed to run? Or maybe try to hide?

Unfortunately, before you were able to make the decision you heard a swoosh of air andnoticed an electric rod dig into the ground right next to you with a loud thump. You felt a jab of searing pain in your left leg, traveling all the way up to your knee. You tried willing your body to run, but the only thing you managed to do was fall over with dreaded realization that _you couldn’t move._ You couldn’t move your legs, you couldn’t move your hands. Apparently this time it was _you_ the MULEs decided to ambush.

Your theory was confirmed in a few seconds as two strangers in very distinctive jumpsuits approached you, lifting you up by the arms and watching you closely. You closed your eyes shut, trying to calm down a little. There was no use in panicking. They already had you; the only way you could get out of this was by thinking smart.

„What do we have here?”, came a low, amused voice, forcing you to open your eyes. „Looks like it’s our lucky day, boys. I suggest we take her stuff it for safekeeping. What do you think?”

Two other men approached and ripped your backpack off your back. Going through your stuff, they discarded everything they didn’t need on the ground and finally found what they were looking for. The instruments were taken out with a loud _aha!_ and quickly stowed away in one of the man’s vast pockets. You suddenly felt a hand tighten around your wrists, twisting them behind your back.

„What else do you have there, miss?”, the guy asked, the tone of his voice weirdly excited. „Apparently following you was a good decision. We were hoping to find maybe one of those expensive ass transmitters, but _two_? Almost like Christmas coming early this year.”

Well, that was it for hoping that the MULEs didn’t know how valuable your equipment was. You stood silently, trying to even out your breaths so that you wouldn’t hyperventilate. Your legs were still very weak, but you had no idea whether it was because of the electrocution or because of the pain. Your head was spinning and you felt nauseous. What were they going to do to you? The MULE’s grip on your wrists tightened even more, bordering on painful.

„You already have my stuff,” you whispered through gritted teeth, trying to take your mind away from the pain. „I don’t have anything else that could be useful to you.”

„Well, that’s where you’re wrong, sweetheart,” the MULE’s voice suddenly gained an undertone that made you feel _very_ uncomfortable. „You see, we don’t have many visitors. Why don’t we have some fun before we let you go, huh? What do you say?”

You turned your head to look at the man right next to you. Tall, well-built, with a strong grip. There was no way you could overpower him. One good thing was that they were not going to kill you, not wanting to risk a voidout. Then again… there were so many other things they could have done to you it almost made you throw up. Unfortunately, you were still not able to move your legs. There was no way you were going to run.

You suddenly felt a stray tear fall down your cheek. The stress was getting to you. Your stomach felt like a tight, ice-cold knot and you could still feel the excruciating pain in your muscles. All these years with no incidents, all these comfortable years when you somehow felt invincible. And now this. They could do anything they wanted and there was no way for you to fight back. You were a _scientist_ , for fuck’s sake - how were you supposed to oppose a group of men armed to the teeth?

Apparently it was only going to get worse.

The first hit to your face was hard and painful, immediately making your eyes water even more. You gasped, trying to move away, but the hold they had on your wrists was very powerful. The second blow was aimed at your stomach and sent you kneeling down on the ground. That was when you heard three vicious laughs right next to you and a new voice, a little higher than the last one.

„Just how I like them; on their knees and with nowhere to run,” the man said, moving closer and standing right in front of you. „Maybe we should take her to our camp? What do you think?”

„Dunno, boss,” an answer came from behind. „Too much trouble, I think.”

„Yeah, you’re probably right. Besides, we have a few other deliveries to catch.”

The sudden sharp pull on your hair made you gag, the boss’ hand bringing your face upwards to look you in the eyes. You couldn’t see him underneath the entire suit, but the urge to throw up was almost overwhelming.

„Gonna tell me your name, sweetheart?” - he asked, tightening the grip on your hair.

You shook your head. It would be too easy for them to target your friends if they knew who you were. You also knew that you were a terrible liar, so there was no use trying to come up with a random name just to give them something.

„As you wish,” the man said in a sing-song voice and raised his fist to hit you again. „Or maybe? Hm?”

You didn’t say anything and braced for another blow you could almost see coming. When the man’s gloved hand connected with your face you could swear there was something in there that tore the skin of your left cheek. And if that wasn’t enough, you could feel blood running down your nose, painting your mouth red.

„Nevermind then. We don’t need her conscious, now do we, boys? What would you say if I…”

He was suddenly cut short by something you were too exhausted to notice, your eyelids feeling too heavy to open fully. But there was movement; it was fast, chaotic, and there was a voice saying something you couldn’t understand. What you did manage to notice however was that there was a sudden release of both your wrists and hair, resulting in you falling to the ground again. Still unable to move your body, but able to twist your neck, you saw a flurry of black and red, painted with a little of orange signifying the MULEs’ jumpsuits. It was just a few minutes before you heard footsteps approaching, automatically flinching at the sound. What just happened? BTs? Another group of MULEs? You squeezed your eyes shut, not knowing what to expect, but bracing for pain nonetheless. When no blows came, you decided to slowly open your eyes.

„Hey, you alright?” The man approaching you crouched next to you and looked at your face. When he moved closer you saw him too; dirty and a little banged up, with a mouth crooked upwards in a smile. „I swear if I see those bastards here again I’m going to kick them to the nearest Beach. You have _no idea_ how much they irritate me.”

Did this man… save you? Or was he just trying to take your cargo for himself? You tried to move, your body still in a lot of pain. It was hard to talk.

„Wh… Who…?”

„Oh, who am I? Just a random passer-by. I keep wandering those mountains and looking for… stuff. And I _really_ don’t like these guys fucking with random hikers.”

You grunted, spitting out blood and finally managing to move enough to lay on your back. The relief was much greater than you initially thought if would be, but the searing pain was still there, making you shiver uncontrollably and intensifying the dizziness. „You… saved my… life-” you wanted to say, but he interrupted you immediately.

„Well, they wouldn’t’ve killed you, darling,” he moved even closer to you and reached out with his gloved hands, wiping the blood from your face with his thumb. „Okay, now you look almost like a regular human being, but this cheek is gonna need stitches. Anyway, I’ve seen those guys do some nasty stuff to the people they ambush. Now don’t get me wrong. They wanna steal, I’m not gonna care. But this, I don’t want to see on my watch.”

You closed your eyes and felt the adrenaline leaving your body. Suddenly the pain was almost as unbearable as the fatigue. You started wondering how you were going to get back to your shelter.

„Fuck, it hurts,” you sighed, gritting your teeth.

„I can imagine,” the man said, sitting down on the ground right next to you. „Hey, I have a favor to ask. Do you live far?”

„No… not really.”

„Great. I’ll help you get there. Looking at your company tag, you probably have some food and a place for me to crash for a while. You think you could help me out, darling?”

Every single cell of your being screamed _no, you have no idea who that man is, don’t trust him,_ but on the other hand, he _did_ save you from the MULEs. It was the least you could do to pay him back.

„Fine,” you said, opening a direction map on your cufflink; the action almost seemed impossible in your current state. You could feel your head swimming again and your vision was beginning to darken. „Let’s go… before the rain gets worse.”

„Sure thing.”

Before you even had the time (or strength, for that matter) to protest, he picked you up and started carrying you with an _it’ll be faster that way_ thrown carelessly in the air between you. The last thing you were able to notice before you threw up and then passed out was that he was also carrying the chiral transmitters the MULEs stole from you.

***

You woke up with a dull headache, opening your eyes seeming impossible at first. Where were you? What happened? You did have _some_ recollection of the most recent events, but definitely not all of them. You remembered your way home from Mountain Knot City, the MULE attack… oh, and the strange man who saved you from those idiots.

Forcing yourself to open your eyes, you noticed that you were in your own shelter. In your own bed. Everything hurt like crazy, something pulling at your cheek and your jaw feeling incredibly swollen. You tried to move your legs and almost, _almost_ made it when you heard a shuffle of fabric and noticed the stranger suddenly standing next to you.

He was taller than you remembered.

„Good morning, sunshine,” he chimed, leaning over you and looking you in the eyes. „How are we feeling today? You slept for an entire day, you know. You have no idea how bored I was.”

You tried sitting up a little, just to be able to talk to him more comfortably. _A day?_ Your head was wrapped in bandages, some strange gel covering your leg. What the hell happened here?

„Wh… how…”

„Don’t try talking yet, darling. You’re still exhausted. I patched you up the best I could, so you’re probably going to live. Oh, and your friend Heartman called. I didn’t pick up because I didn’t want him to freak out. By the way, what kind of a stupid name is _that_?”

_Heartman_ called? Oh God. He was probably worried sick by now.

Sitting up a little with your back resting against the pillows, you moved your hand up and noticed purple bruises where your cufflink was. Probably from the strong grip those bastards had on your wrists. Only then did you realize how _lucky_ you actually were that nothing worse happened to you.

„Alright,” you sighed, not really able to think as fast as you would’ve like to. „Thank you. Really. Have you been here all this time?”

Instead of answering, the man reached for a bottle of water and a straw, moving it up to your face. You caught the straw greedily between your lips and even though you knew it wasn’t wise to drink this much this fast, you didn’t care. You were _so thirsty_.

„Yes,” the man answered, sitting on the bed right next to you. You were finally able to take a better look at him. „It’s actually pretty cozy here. And warm. And I was right about you having food. By the way, I ate most of it.”

The man was tall and well-built, currently wearing a black t-shirt and cargo pants. You noticed a few scars on his arms and hands. His hair was a mess and he apparently hasn’t shaved in the last few days, but he still looked… friendly? Well, definitely not as someone who could hurt you. The look in his blue eyes made a very different impression though.

With the water doing wonders for your sore throat, you were finally able to focus your thoughts a little more.

„Who are you?” You asked, leaning back into the pillows.

„Do you really want to know?” His tone was playful. _Why_ was it playful?

„Well, you spent all this time here and patched me up, so I guess I could at least get to know your name.”

He seemed hesitant. Placing the now empty water bottle on the ground, he shifted uncomfortably.

„I’m not… the most _desired_ person to be around right now, you know.”

„So I’ve guessed. But don’t worry, anything you say here is safe with me. I owe you that much.”

He shifted again, suddenly moving his gaze away from you.

„Alright. It’s not like you weren’t going to find out anyway. My name is Higgs. Higgs Monaghan.”

You blinked twice, expecting him to say that it was a joke. But he didn’t. If he really was who he was saying he was, you let the most dangerous man in the world into your home. Very smart, Y/N. Very smart.

But then again, if he wanted to hurt you or abuse you in any way, wouldn’t he already have done so? Something was wrong here.

„ _That_ Higgs Monaghan? Weren’t you supposed to be dead? Or, I don’t know, _exiled_ or something?”

He moved his head, looking at you again. There were so many conflicting emotions lingering on his face that you had no idea how to read them.

„Well, that didn’t really work out,” he shrugged. „Although I am _exiled_ in a way, you know. Anyway, I won’t be too much of a bother. I promise. I’m just going to crash here for the next few days and leave, and you’re never going to see me again.”

„Wait,” you said, trying to follow his train of thought. „So that’s all you want? A place to crash?”

„Uhh, yeah. I don’t really… have anywhere to go now, you know. And I figured that you might help me if I helped you. So I jumped in when those nasty MULEs were trying to hurt you. I guess it was kinda selfish of me, huh?”

You sat in silence for a few moments, trying to figure out how to respond. Higgs, the terrorist and cold-blooded killer, sitting on your bed, definitely _not_ acting like the monster you heard he was.

Something was not right here. Was he… playing you? Maybe he was planning to take you hostage? Your brain immediately started coming up with so many different scenarios your head started to hurt. You had to do something, something that would make you feel safe.

„Alright,” you said after a while, closing your eyes again to try and control the headache. „I have to call Heartman. He’s going to worry.”

„Have fun then. I’ll be on the couch, _eating_.”

You watched with disbelief as he stood up and left the room, hearing him sit down on your couch in the space you liked to call your _living room_. Not like it resembled one at all, but you liked to have this distinction. Suddenly, you felt even more uneasy. This man was in your _house_ , in your _room_. It was no longer your private, personal space. What was he trying to do? Did he have any hidden agenda? You were hoping to observe his reaction to your mention of needing to call Heartman, but he didn’t seem to care. So probably not a hostage. Maybe he was actually telling the truth.

Maybe he was just as lost as the rest of the world.

You opened a connection on your cufflink. Heartman picked up after half a beep.

„Y/N, Gods, I was worried sick!”, you heard him say on the other side and suppressed a chuckle. „What happened? Where were you? Why did I get those weird biometric readings?”

„It’s nice to talk to you too,” you smiled, the motion making you flinch with pain due to your cheek injury. „Before I tell you anything, I just want you to know that I’m fine.”

„What are you talking abo-”

„I was attacked by MULEs,” you said quickly, not really wanting to get into another long discussion about _the need to monitor every single activity of all people who work on the network_. „But I’m fine. A little bruised, but I’ll live.”

„What-how-I’m sending a medical team to you right away-”

„Stop,” you could almost imagine the scowl he would make at that. „Do I need to remind you that we only have _one_ medical team at our disposal? I suggest you don’t bother them every single time I get a bruise. They might, you know, actually be _needed_ somewhere.”

You heard Heartman sigh. He knew you were right. On the other hand, you also knew that he _always_ worried about his fellow scientists.

„Alright,” he said, defeat obvious in his voice. „But please promise me that you’re going to call me if you need anything. And send me the coordinates so I can send an investigation team to secure the area.”

„I will. Now please stop worrying. I just have to rest for a while and I’ll be good as new.”

„Only if you _really_ rest, you know. Not get to work right away,”

„I know, I know. But you really don’t need to worry. I know I have to take it easy every once in a while.”

„I hope you do. I’ll call you again in a few hours to make sure.”

„Well, I can’t promise I won’t be sleeping then.”

„Or working.”

„I love you too.”

You ended the connection and sat back on the pillows. It really did take a huge toll on you to pretend that you were feeling better than you actually were. Your muscles hurt, your head was spinning and you were pretty sure there were burns on your leg because of the electrocution. At least it felt that way. Not to mention that you could feel the stitches pulling every single time you moved your jaw.

Higgs came back into the bedroom, carrying something with him.

„I brought you something to eat,” he said, eyeing the package carefully. „But I’m not sure how to serve this.”

You glanced to the right, noticing what he was holding.

„You… have to boil it first,” it was beginning to get harder and harder to talk.

He approached you with a weird expression on his face.

„I’m… not sure I understand. How do I boil it?”

„You know. The usual way. You boil water, put the contents in the pot and add some spices. And a spoonful of butter. Then you boil it some more.”

„Wait… what?” His expression changed to puzzled and you realized he had no idea what you were talking about.

„Nevermind,” you sighed, the pain in your back getting worse and worse. „I probably wouldn’t be able to eat it anyway. There’s some protein bars in one of the cupboards. Do you know how to make tea or is that too much for you?”

„Hey! No need to be rude!”

„Sorry. I’m just… it really hurts, you know.”

His features softened a little and he sighed too.

„Okay. I’ll be right back.”

You slumped down on the pillows again and tried to regulate your breathing. Your legs did not only hurt, now they were starting to itch. Maybe you should try and get up just so you could make sure Higgs used the proper medicine.

You moved your entire body to the left and tried moving your legs too to let them dangle from the bed. It hurt like hell, but then again it wasn’t because of the pressure, so you figured it wouldn’t get worse if you placed your feet on the floor and tried to get up.

Unfortunately you were very, very wrong.

The second you pulled yourself up you fell down hard, hitting the floor with a loud thud and the fall resulted in a cascade of pain travelling between your legs and your chest. Suddenly it got hard to breathe. You got scared and felt tears well up in your eyes, constricting your airway even further. Still, before you managed to make any additional sound Higgs was by your side, lifting you up and placing you back on the bed. As soon as you were laid flat again, the suffocating feeling disappeared.

„Seriously, can’t you just lay still for a moment? You’re really badly hurt. You’re not supposed to be moving.”

„I know… I just…” you hated how weak your voice sounded. „I thought…”

„Just stay here, okay? You’ll be back up in no time, but you can’t rush it. Which reminds me, I have to change the dressing on your face. But that can wait until you’re done eating.”

He actually brought you one of the protein bars and some fresh brewed tea. You tried taking it easy with the bar, knowing that you literally won’t be able to stomach it if you ate it too fast. You had to admit that the meal actually made you feel a lot better.

„Thank you,” you said, feeling much warmer and a little stronger. „I’m sorry for being an idiot. I won’t do that again.”

„Good. Now sit up so I can redress that wound.”

You were surprised with the swiftness of his moves when he took off the old dressing, cleaned the area of the wound and placed new gauze on top of your skin. You didn’t fail to notice that he actually knew what he was doing. It made you a little less concerned about the state of your legs.

„Does it look bad?” You asked, looking away from his face.

„Not really,” he said, collecting the used gauze from your bed. „It probably won’t even leave a scar. I had to put two stitches in, but if you don’t fumble with it then you have nothing to worry about.”

Two stitches. In your face. Great.

„Thank you.”

You didn’t have a lot of energy to talk more than that, so you laid back down and decided to take it easy. You noticed Higgs leaving for the living room again, heard him sit down on your couch again and slowly drifted into dreamless sleep.

Maybe it would really do you good to just take it easy for a while.

***

The next few days were a blur, consisting mostly of sleep, eating, taking care of your injuries and Higgs washing your skin with a damp cloth. You were not really comfortable with him taking off your shirt and pants to do that, but you had to admit you were grateful for his help, especially since you were in no condition to just get up and take a shower. He would submerge the cloth in warm water, sit down next to you on the bed and wipe the sweat and blood off your body.

„How long are you planning to stay here?” You asked during the third session, trying to take your mind off the fact that you didn’t really like strangers touching you, especially in such a vulnerable state.

„I don’t know,” he answered, not looking at your face. „Probably a few more days. I’ll wait until you can take care of yourself. But I can leave now if you want me to.”

You did and you didn’t. You had to admit that it was nice to have someone to talk to, but then again it was _Higgs_ , a mass-murdering terrorist with strange powers that you couldn’t even begin to understand. And yet he did nothing to scare you so far. You figured he would’ve hurt you a long time ago if that’s what he was after. Apparently that was not the case.

„It’s fine,” you said, trying to adjust your position so that your back wouldn’t hurt as much. „I just… I don’t really understand what you’re doing here.”

„Mostly reading,” he answered with a silent chuckle. „But yeah, you probably have quite a lot of questions regarding what my plan is. Allow me to explain then. I have no plan. I’m just trying to find a new place for myself now that I’m no longer the herald of death.”

You blinked.

„Excuse me?”

„The extinction entity cut me loose. BRIDGES found and destroyed my hideout. I made so many enemies that it’s probably not a good idea to live close to other people. I’m sure that if you told BRIDGES where I am they would immediately hunt me down. So yeah, I guess I owe you one too. For not telling them, that is.”

You haven’t even thought about that, but now that he said it, it made perfect sense. One message or one phone call and they could be here in half an hour. But it’s not like it would be of any use.

„Why would I do that? You would probably just kill everyone, me included, and all my work would disappear in a voidout.”

He snorted.

„Yeah, I probably would.”

Something was off in his voice, but you decided not to pry any further. You couldn’t help but feel that the conversation was turning dangerous.

In a week the pain in your legs finally got bearable and you could stand up to take a shower. Higgs helped you get to the bathroom, holding one strong arm around your shoulders. You were surprised to notice that he was actually rather skinny - something you were not able to notice with all the clothes he was wearing. He left you by the door and returned to the couch, looking tired. Passing by the living room you noticed discarded wrappers, empty bags of crisps and sweets, but no plates or bowls of _actual_ food. It puzzled you a little, but the thoughts left you as soon as you entered the shower and finally let the warm water run down your skin.

It wasn’t easy to move your arms and your body in general, but you managed somehow, washing yourself the best you could. It was amazing to finally feel clean, to finally be able to wash your hair. There were burn marks on your legs, a few leftover bruises and the still-healing cut on your cheek, but you had to admit it wasn’t that bad. It could’ve been a lot worse. You shook your head, trying not to think about what the MULEs were planning to do to you. You were fine. You were going to be fine, because _he_ helped you. Even if he only did it because of his own selfish reasons, there was no denying that he basically _saved_ you.

You suddenly felt _wrong_ , not really being able to pinpoint the reason why.

When you put on some clean clothes and returned to the living room, you were surprised to see Higgs laying on the couch, curled up in a fetal position under a blanket, asleep. Now that you had more time, you took a better look at him. There was only one word coming to mind looking at him then. _Vulnerable_. Pale skin, bags under his eyes. What was the deal with this guy? From what you heard, he was supposed to be the most powerful human being on the entire planet.

You sat down next to him, trying to not wake him up. He shifted under the blanket, murmuring something under his breath. It was only then that you noticed a digital notepad laying on the table in front of you. It wasn’t yours, so it must’ve been him who left it there. Without giving it much thought, you reached out and grabbed it with your right hand, careful not to move too much both because of the pain and the fact that you didn’t really want him to know that you were going through his stuff. Still, it looked like he was working on it, so maybe it was going to give you some answers. Especially since he left it unlocked.

You noticed a few files on the desktop, all named using dates. You clicked the one featuring today’s one. When you noticed that it was just a wall of text, you decided to close it, but something stopped you. The title.

It was a _journal_.

Higgs was writing a _journal_.

You sent a quick glance his way to make sure that he was still sleeping. There was no movement from his side, so you decided to read through it.

You would have never expected to read what you did.

_You’re all alone now. You’ve lost everything. Your mask, her quipu, the BB doll… gone._

_You thought you had the power, that you were the one fated to lead them unto extinction… yet here you are, alone. You thought you were in control. That this was your role, your dream… The verge of victory, of oblivion for one and all… Herald, executioner, pawn. God particle? Hah. A stupid name for a stupid goddamn fool._

_This was your life, Higgs. Your tale, told by an idiot, full of sound and righteous fury…_

_Signifying nothing._

You stared at the notepad, trying to wrap your head around what you just read. What was that supposed to mean? Was this what he meant by _cut loose by the extinction entity_? Or maybe…

Your train of thought was abruptly stopped by a hand snatching the notepad away from you. You screamed in surprise as Higgs was immediately upon you, hands pinning you down to the couch, one on your chest, one on your neck. Anger was burning in his eyes.

„You should not have done that,” he whispered through gritted teeth, face inches away from yours. „You _really_ should not have done that.”

He squeezed hard, blocking your airway, bringing tears to your eyes.

God, why were you so damn _stupid_.

„I’m… sorry…” you wheezed, trying to take a breath, but his grasp got even tighter. „I didn’t… know…”

„Of course you didn’t,” he spat, his expression even more angry. „You think _I did_?”

Tears were falling down your face now, not allowing you to speak anymore. So this is it, you thought. Curiosity always kills the cat. And you were going to die here, Higgs was going to kill you with his bare hands, your shelter will be destroyed in a voidout and that would be it. Your life and research gone with a snap of his fingers.

And then, suddenly, his hands let go and he pulled away from you.

The breath you took felt like something that could rupture your lungs, burn through your entire body with the sheer force of your constricting muscles. But it didn’t. It left you gasping for more air, your neck hurting and bruised, incredibly painful. You blinked a few times to chase the tears away, wheezing as your body desperately pleaded for more oxygen. You moved away, sitting up instinctively, trying to protect yourself from the man in front of you. But he was just sitting there, a shadow of defeat present on his face.

It made your chest hurt once again, but this time it was an entirely different feeling.

„I’m sorry,” you whispered, your voice coarse from the assault. „You’re right. I shouldn’t have touched your stuff.”

He didn’t answer. He just slumped on the couch, back under the blanket, turning away from you.

„It’s fine,” he said after what felt like hours, resignation obvious in his voice. „It’s not like it matters now anyway.”

You didn’t know what to do. What were you supposed to say? What were you supposed to _do_? You had so many questions, but there was no way to ask them now. You didn’t want to make him angry, but there was obviously something _wrong_ , something that made you think he wasn’t really the man he was said to be, at least now. Something that made you think he might’ve been through more than you and that he didn’t just _look_ defeated.

He _was_ defeated.

You stood up, massaging your neck and making your way into the kitchen. You needed some food to help you think. By the looks of your living room, he needed some _real_ food too, so you decided to make something that would actually be both good _and_ nutritious.

Going through your fridge, you were glad to see that most of your groceries were still good to go. You still had some vegetables from the timefall farm, some rice, some frozen chicken. Apparently Higgs only dug into your supply of protein bars and junk food. You felt a shiver run down your spine when you thought about his eating habits. Well, he still saved your life. And you were an idiot to look into his notepad, yes, but you could at least try and make it up to him somehow. You didn’t want to make him think that you weren’t grateful.

Although it might have been too late for that.

When you were done with the preparations you put the rice, the chicken and the vegetables into two bowls and went back into the living room. Higgs was awake, sitting on the couch and clicking frantically on his notepad. You felt another shiver, but suppressed it quickly and approached the couch, sitting down right next to him.

„Here,” you said, offering him one of the bowls. „I made some food.”

He looked at the bowl, a puzzled expression on his face.

„You’re not trying to poison me, are you?”

„No Higgs, I’m not. Eat. You could use some _actual_ food.”

„I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

„Protein bars and crisps are _not_ actual food.”

„Maybe for you.”

You were glad to notice that he was back to his usual demeanor, not sulking under the blanket. You took it as a good sign. He took the bowl from you and started eating, eyeing the first spoonful carefully.

„It’s not going to bite you.”

„Very funny,” he said, swallowing down a particularly big portion of vegetables. „Oh.”

„What?”

„It’s… it’s really good.”

You’ve never seen anyone eat so fast before. He devoured the entire bowl in what felt like seconds while you were still on your second bite. He must have noticed the surprise on your face, so he smiled a little and carefully put the bowl back on the table.

„There’s more if you want.”

„Yes please.”

He ate another serving of the meal just as fast, his look turning into disappointment when he was done. Ultimately he ended up eating another portion and only then did he finally seem sated.

„I take it that you liked it.”

„It was _amazing_ ,” he said, making you chuckle. „Really. It was the best meal I ever had.”

„Well, I’m glad. I need to rest now. Cooking was more exhausting than I thought, but the food made me feel better too.”

You sat on the couch for a while longer, Higgs looking weirdly confused. Apparently he wanted to say something more. So you just sat there looking at him until he finally sighed.

„I’m sorry,” his voice was soft, no angry undertone present anymore. „I shouldn’t have taken my anger out on you. I just… I didn’t know what to do. I wasn’t planning on showing this to anyone. I guess I just had to let it out of my system somehow.”

You got more comfortable on the couch, your legs starting to hurt again. He moved, making more space for you.

„I know,” you said after a while. „We can agree it never happened if you promise not to do it ever again.”

„I promise,” he answered immediately, a pleading look on his face. „I do. I don’t want to hurt you.”

You smiled.

„Good,” you said, the stress and worry dissipating a little bit. „And I promise I’m never going to touch anything that belongs to you without your permission.”

„Thanks.”

„But we can talk about it if you want. About what’s bothering you so much, I mean. Maybe it’ll make you feel… better.”

He sighed again.

„There’s nothing to talk about. I’m done and it’s all over. _Everything_ is gone. There’s nothing I can do or change in that matter.”

You moved a little to massage your legs. The muscles were still sore and you felt very weak. Starting with your feet, you moved upwards, kneading your calves carefully.

„Alright. I’m not going to pry. But I want you to know that you can talk to me. It’s the least I can do.”

„You already did more than enough,” he ran his hand through his hair. „Here, let me.”

You stopped moving and looked at him, puzzled.

„What?”

„You’re tired. Let me massage your legs for you. Sit back and relax.”

You were surprised with his offer, but did as you were told. Straightening your back to lay against the pillows on the couch, you extended your legs and he started massaging your left foot. It felt much better than your own hands, still weak and tired from an entire week of just _laying down_.

It was actually a very pleasant feeling.

„You don’t have to do this.”

„I want to. Shut up.”

Relaxing into the couch a little more, you groaned with disbelief and decided to just let it go. You sat like that for a few minutes, Higgs massaging your legs carefully and you feeling better and better with every passing minute.

„I guess it would do me good if I actually walked for a bit,” you said after a while, moving your legs away and placing your feet on the ground. „I do have to get stronger. I have to get back to work. Which reminds me… I think I noticed you taking my stuff back from the MULEs.”

„Ah, yes. I left these weird things by your bed. One might be broken though.”

„Doesn’t matter. I can always repair it. Making a new one would probably be… impossible,” you sighed, standing up and stretching. „Anyway, I guess I’ll try to slowly get to work. I’ll be in my study if you need me.”

„Study?”

„Yeah, this tiny room over there. I have my desk and instruments there. I’m gonna go through my calendar and figure out what I have to do.”

„Okay, but try not to overwork yourself. I’m not carrying you back to the bedroom.”

You snorted.

„I may not look like it, but I’m actually pretty resilient, you know.”

„Oh, that you are. But you’re also pretty stupid sometimes, so I’m saying it just in case.”

You rolled your eyes and left the living room, taking the chiral transmitters from the bedroom and placing them on the desk in your study. You were right; one was broken, but it wasn’t anything you won’t be able to fix.

Still, you figured it might be a good idea to give Heartman another call.

„Hey there,” you said as soon as your cufflink connection went through. „Just wanted to report that I’m feeling much better.”

„That’s great,” the scientist’s voice came from the speaker. He was obviously relieved. „I take it that you were resting?”

„I was, actually. But I think it’s high time I got back to work. I’m bored.”

Heartman laughed. His laugh always made your heart warmer.

„Good, good,” he said, voice soft and sweet as always. „I actually have some good news for you.”

„Go on.”

„We signed a contract with a security company working with BRIDGES. They will be patrolling the area between our settlements, so we won’t have to worry about MULEs any longer. They already started with the patrols too, so you’ll be safe to travel when you get better.”

„Are you saying that because you’re concerned about our safety or because you want to invite me over for tea?”

„Do I really have to choose?”

You both laughed for a while, his words always lightening your mood. Talking to him felt like home. After all, he was the closest thing you had to a family. You didn’t want him to worry about you too much, but being the kind-hearted man he was you knew it was impossible for him to just let this go. So you actually… _lied_ to him a few times. Just so that you didn’t put even more strain on his poor heart.

You talked for a while longer, Heartman giving you updates about his most recent work so that you could jump right in. As soon as you were done, you decided to work on the broken chiralium transmitter first. Your back still hurt a little and your legs would cramp from time to time, but it was nothing you couldn’t live with. Still, you decided that three hours of work was enough and decided to get back to the bedroom and get some sleep.

You were expecting to find Higgs on the couch, minding his own business, but as soon as you entered the living room you noticed that something was off. It was quiet. Lifeless. The room was empty, two bowls you ate out of still on the table. There was no sign of Higgs in the bathroom or your bedroom either. You sat down on the couch, sighing deeply and feeling a sting of guilt in your stomach.

You didn’t expect him to leave so soon.

***

„I have to tell you something.”

You were sitting at a table in Heartman’s lab, a cup of tea in your hand. You left your shelter for the first time since the assault. It felt so long ago that you couldn’t believe it has just been a little over a month, especially since almost all of your injuries were perfectly healed by then.

„Oh?” Heartman’s tone was inquisitive, curious. „What’s that?”

„About the attack. I wasn’t completely honest with you.”

You noticed his expression shift into concern.

„What are you talking about?”

You reached for a gingerbread cookie and chewed on it, trying to find the right words.

„Can you promise me that it’s going to stay between us? I don’t want BRIDGES all over this.”

„Of course,” Heartman activated his cufflink and cut off all network connections just in case. „Please don’t tell me I have to be worried. Did they… what did they do to you?”

You looked around, following the lights of network switches going offline with your eyes. As soon as the last one was off, you sighed and moved a little closer to the table.

„There was a man,” you started, not really knowing how to put all of this into words; still, you knew you had to talk to _someone_ and Heartman was the only person you trusted wholeheartedly. „He saved me. He took care of me. He brought me back to my shelter, nursed me back to health and disappeared. It has been bothering me ever since.”

Heartman blinked, opening his mouth to speak and closing it back immediately.

„A _man_? You mean, a _stranger_?”

„Not really. Well, I had no idea who he was at first, but then he introduced himself and I was sure he wanted to use me as a hostage or something. But he didn’t. He just sat there, saying that he lost everything and that he had nowhere to go, and that…”

„Y/N,” the look in Heartman’s eyes was soft, but also full of worry when he interrupted your sentence. „Who was this man?”

You sighed.

„Higgs Monaghan. It was Higgs Monaghan.”

Heartman’s eyes widened in obvious shock, a visible shiver running down his spine.

„ _That_ Higgs Monaghan?”

„Yes.”

„And you didn’t think it might be a good idea to tell me?”

„No, because I was sure that if BRIDGES learned about his whereabouts they would send a small army to hunt him down and he’d just kill everyone and send all my research to hell with a voidout!”

„Alright, alright,” Heartman’s tone changed to apologetic since he realized he might have upset you. „You’re sure it was him?”

„Yes.”

„But you said he took care of you. It doesn’t make any sense. Why would he?”

„I don’t know. He said he figured I could take him in for a few days and that I probably had food. I figured it’s the least I could’ve done to repay him. He did save me from the MULEs, you know.”

Heartman looked puzzled, obviously going through what he just heard in his head.

„I have a hypothesis,” he said after a while. „I already shared it with Sam and Die-Hardman. I think it would make a lot of sense if what you’re saying is true.”

„Meaning?”

„Meaning that we believe Higgs lost his powers after he lost the connection to Amelie. He was supposed to wander the Beach for all eternity, but the extinction entity brought him back to our world. Powerless.”

Suddenly, it all clicked.

„My God, you might be right. I accidentally read his journal and it was… he seemed so _defeated_. He wrote about being alone, about losing everything. At the time I didn’t understand what it could mean. But _God_ , you can be _right_.” 

Heartman put his cup of tea back on the table and moved his wrist to open something on his cufflink.

„Look,” he said, showing you a chart analyzing a BB doll. „We ran tests on the dolls, actually being able to confirm that they acted as conduits between Amelie and her pawns. Higgs had one just like that. I believe that when Amelie took the doll away from him, he didn’t lose his powers _per se_ , just the connection to the _source_. But we don’t know how it might affect him. Have you seen him use his powers?”

„No,” you admitted, trying to recall the events of the assault. „I remember MULEs beating me up and some very blurry scenes. I don’t know if it was him attacking them or anything.”

„Well, we must assume that my theory might be true. Still, there is no power source even half as great as Amelie. If he truly _did_ lose it, there’s no way he’s getting it back.”

You suddenly felt your chest tighten with pain. _Why_ would that affect you so much?

Heartman closed the chart and brought his cup of tea back to his lips, taking a long sip.

„Why save me then?” You asked suddenly, rather asking yourself than Heartman.

„There are a few options. One, he figured he might use you somehow. Two, he wanted what you had for himself. Three, he’s actually powerless and lost. Four… all of the above, I guess.”

„What if it’s number three? What if he _actually_ has nowhere to go?”

Heartman straightened his back in the chair, obviously concerned. Not for Higgs though; his concern was for you.

„Well… with all the people currently after him, I don’t really think he has a chance to live much longer. Not after what he’s done. I’m not going to report him to BRIDGES, but I think _you_ should. It’s only a matter of time before they find him.”

„You think they’re going to kill him?”

„I wouldn’t be surprised.”

You wouldn’t have been surprised either. And yet somehow it felt so _wrong_ to judge this man like that.

God, what a mess, you thought. What an actual, fucked up mess.

***

You thought that talking to Heartman might make you feel better; in reality, it made you feel a lot worse.

Coming back to your shelter from his lab you felt your heart growing heavier with every passing second. The thing was, you knew all the things that were said about Higgs. But you also knew this side of him that was _so unlike_ anything you’ve heard. The side where he actually saved your life, for that matter. Even if it was just a coincidence for him, it definitely meant much more for you. You owed him more than you could ever possibly repay and it made you so angry that you will probably never have a chance to even try and return the favor.

Trying to organize your thoughts somehow you didn’t even notice how close you were to your shelter already. Moving along a narrow path leading almost exactly to the entrance, you could’ve sworn you caught yourself mumbling. Stopping for a while to adjust your backpack, you were glad to see that the pathway was actually safe this time. Ever since the BRIDGES patrols started showing up, there were no MULE sightings whatsoever. You stretched, took a few sips of water and continued the walk, trying to calm down and think about work for once.

When you arrived at your shelter it was already getting dark, the evening breeze a little too cold for your liking. It was also pretty foggy, making the valley appear much more ominous than it actually was. You heard the familiar robotic voice informing you that you ID has been recognized and just as you were supposed to enter you heard another sound, one you have actually never heard before.

„WARNING. INTRUDER ALERT. WARNING. WARNING.”

You started looking around frantically, trying to subdue the panic starting to rise in your stomach. Nobody knew you lived there; nobody knew _anyone_ lived there! If your location has been compromised, you would probably have to find a new place. Fuck this. Where was this damn _intruder_?

You looked around, noticing no change to the surroundings whatsoever. Only then did you notice something weird on the rocks just north of the entrance, a dark smear of some sort. Approaching it carefully and looking more closely, you felt a shiver run down your spine.

It was blood. _Fresh_ blood.

And there was a lot of it.

Too scared to move, you followed the bloody trail with your eyes first. It didn’t start by the rocks, it started much earlier. The problem was that is led directly to the entrance of your shelter. And over there…

You couldn’t believe your own eyes.

There was _someone_ laying there in a pool of blood, wearing heavy boots, a weird cape, cargo pants and… oh my _God_.

It was _Higgs_.

Throwing caution to the wind, you were by his side in _seconds_. Checking for his pulse, you felt incredibly relieved when you found out he wasn’t dead, just very weak. You turned him carefully to see what injuries would cause such massive blood loss, finding three deep cuts on his stomach and leg. It was then that he opened his eyes, face extremely pale, and smiled at you weekly.

„I’m sorry,” you heard him say, his voice barely above a whisper. „I… didn’t know where else to go. But it might have been a bad idea… if I die… I didn’t…”

„Shut up,” you said, feeling tears welling up in your eyes for no apparent reason. „Shut up. Don’t talk. You lost a lot of blood.”

Trying very hard to keep pressure on the wounds, you managed to help him up and then inside, placing him on the bed and removing his clothes immediately. The cuts were bad but it was not the only thing you noticed. There were also bruises and burns all over his body, all of them relatively fresh. You also realized that the fingers in his right hand were broken and that his fingernails were gone. Not really wanting to think about it too much right then, you felt the adrenaline kick in immediately. You needed to help him and you needed to be fast.

You didn’t have a lot of medical experience, but what you _did_ have should be enough. You managed to clean and sew the two deepest cuts, making sure he won’t be losing any more blood. He needed a transfusion though and there was no way he would have been able to tell you what blood type he had. Taking a small sample and waiting for the results you cleaned some of the burns, two of them obviously chemical, covering the wounds with special dressings that were supposed to speed up the healing process. Focusing on his hand, or rather what was left of it, you noticed something else. A few thin, long lines across his wrists, obviously old and well-healed. You ran your fingers along them, noticing how much blood you had on your hands.

„D-don’t,” you heard Higgs say through gritted teeth, „Don’t let d-daddy see, he’s going to hurt me, p-please don’t let him see-”

He was obviously delirious, mumbling under his breath, but the words hit you like a freight train. You realized then that you had absolutely no idea who the man on your bed was and what he has been through. You knew _what_ he did, but you had no idea _why_ he did it. And you were more and more curious with each passing second, so many contradictory facts only messing with your head more.

Now was not the time to think about it though. The blood test was done and you immediately used your terminal to fabricate three blood bags, making sure it was offline for the duration of the process so that nobody could notice you using it for a blood type that wasn’t your own. Hooking Higgs up to the first one, you turned your attention to his hand. Every single finger was broken and apparently his fingernails were torn. Was he _tortured_? What the hell happened to him?

Cleaning his fingers you realized there would be no way for you to fix them with your medical expertise. Taking a 3D scanner from your study you quickly scanned his left hand, mirrored the image and quickly designed a special two-part cast that would push his bones in place when snapped together. It took ten minutes for your chiral printer to fabricate the design; unfortunately attaching it to Higgs’ hand obviously caused him a lot of pain as he screamed so loud you swore it almost ruptured your eardrums.

„I’m sorry,” you said, placing a hand on his forehead and noticing he was burning up. „It’s okay now. I’m so sorry. I’ll give you something for the pain and some antibiotics soon. Just stay with me, okay?”

„Okay,” he said weekly, looking straight into your eyes. „O… kay.”

There were tears running down the sides of his face. You used your thumbs to wipe them away, suddenly feeling this weird sensation in your throat. Compassion? Hurt? You had no idea. The only thing you did know was that you couldn’t bear the pain so obvious in his gaze, burning through you with intensity you have never experienced before.

You were _not_ going to let him _die_.

You prepared an IV that was supposed to help him both with the pain and the fever, carefully tapping into one of his veins. When you were done you went through his entire body, checking for additional injuries, luckily not finding anything life-threatening. You could tell some of his ribs were broken though. Unfortunately you didn’t have any equipment to perform a scan, so you quickly placed an order for the Doctor to send you one. And then, four hours later, you were done.

Exhausted and covered in blood, but fucking _done_.

You sat down on the bed next to Higgs, not even trying to stop the tears from falling anymore. It could have been the chiral allergy for all you knew, or the exhaustion. Or the overflowing feelings you didn’t know how to deal with. You used the back of your hands to wipe the dears away, only realizing that you just smeared blood on your entire face.Perfect. Just what you needed.

You moved a little closer to Higgs, taking a damp cloth and wiping the blood and sweat from his face. He still looked distressed, but at least he wasn’t that pale anymore.

„Y-you need to run,” he said, obviously still delirious, now probably even more due to the meds you had him on. „You need to go. If he finds you… h-he’s going to hurt you too…”

„It’s fine,” you said, pressing your hand to his forehead again. „Nobody’s here but us. You’re safe here. I got you.”

„N-no, you don’t understand,” it made your chest hurt seeing him in such distress. „We’re not allowed… to go outside, he will… kill me this time, he-”

„Nobody’s going to kill you, Higgs. You’re fine. You just need to rest.”

„B-but he will. He will, you have to make sure to hide the bruises… he hates them…”

You had no idea what he was talking about, but it did strange things to you. It made you feel _sorry_ for him. You knew you shouldn’t have felt that way, but you couldn’t have helped it.

So you stood up and left the bedroom, deciding to take a shower and collect your thoughts.

It was going to be a long night.

***

You woke up because of the pain in your neck, trying to move your head to switch to a more comfortable position. It was only then that you realized you were actually sitting down on a chair, arms folded on the bed and your head resting on top of them. Great. As if the soreness wasn’t enough. Why were you here anyway?

The events of the night started coming back to you slowly just as you looked up to see Higgs laying on your bed, blood everywhere, discarded towels and fragments of clothing on the floor. You sighed. It was a hell of a battle. Probably the toughest you ever had to face.

Getting up and taking a better look at him, you were glad to see that he was no longer so pale and that even though his face was still covered with blood and dirt he actually looked peaceful. There was no additional swelling in his hand either. You sighed with relief as a temperature scan revealed that his fever was also going down. No longer running on adrenaline, you felt your stomach do a flip, reminding you that it was high time you ate something. You decided to leave Higgs in peace and went into the kitchen to grab some fruit.

You were tempted to call Heartman then, to talk to him and ask him for advice, but you didn’t want to put this kind of responsibility on him. He’s already done more than enough by keeping your little secret. You also noticed that the urgent order you placed with the Doctor has already arrived at your delivery terminal. Retrieving the package and using the scanner on Higgs immediately you were relieved to see that only two of his ribs were broken and than no organs were damaged. You allowed yourself a deep sigh of relief as you sat down on the bed.

Higgs was asleep. No longer unconscious, but asleep. The meds really did help his pain. His lips were slightly parted, blowing soft puffs of air with every rise and fall of his chest. Without thinking much, you reached out and nuzzled his cheek with the knuckles of your right hand. As soon as you realized what you were doing though you stood up, angry at yourself. You shouldn’t be touching him. You shouldn’t even be _close_ to him before you get to know what’s going on.

You went into the bathroom to retrieve a cloth and a bowl of warm water, coming back to the bed to wash Higgs a little more thoroughly. It was strange to still remember so vividly how he did the exact same thing for you not so long ago. The only difference was that he was in a much worse shape.

When you were done with the washing you gathered the bloody towels, brought back a new pillow and covered Higgs with an additional blanket. Seeing as there was not much more you could have done, you decided to get back to work and just let him rest.

Except there was no way for you to focus right now. Every single time you tried to go back to your research you would find your mind wandering, thinking about the man in your bedroom and about what he said during the night. He was obviously talking about a very specific person that he was sure was going to hurt him. At the beginning he mentioned _daddy_. Was he really that afraid of his father or was it something he was just remembering? And if it was just memories, _why now_?

So many questions and not a single answer. You groaned, burying your face in your hands, massaging your forehead. You had no idea what to do. For the first time in your life. It felt like something was happening that was entirely out of control and you hated this type of situations. The worst thing was that you felt like you couldn’t really talk to anyone about it or even ask someone for support. How were you supposed to take care of man who has nearly died? You did have some medical knowledge, yes, but definitely not to that extent. So you decided to just browse through the chiral network to try and find some useful information. Writing down notes and going through some documents from the Doctor, you ultimately didn’t realize how much time has passed when you were done.

You went back to the bedroom to check on Higgs. He was still asleep, looking a lot more comfortable than earlier. You replaced his IV, checked his temperature and sat on the bed again.

Looking at his peaceful expression made you feel uncomfortable. You couldn’t really pinpoint the reason why. You heard so many awful things about this man and yet here he was, looking so… _human_. You figured Heartman’s theory might have been correct. If he let anyone do this to him, he must’ve been unable to fight back. Maybe he really _did_ lose his powers.

You noticed him stir, murmuring something under his breath. When his eyes opened and he focused his gaze on you, you instinctively tried reassuring him with a smile. He looked so lost and confused that for a while you thought he might not even know where he was.

„Wh…,” he tried to speak, but you hushed him by placing your hand on his cheek.

„Don’t talk,” you said, surprised with the hoarseness of your own voice. „You’re safe. And you’re going to be okay. Just take it easy.”

He blinked a few times, looking around the room. Apparently it was all coming back to him now that he was awake.

„I, uh…”

„You’re in my bedroom, Higgs. I took care of your wounds, so you can say that we’re square now. Do you want something to drink?”

That was when he realized your hand was still on his cheek. He leaned into it gently, closing his eyes and nodding.

„Y… yes.”

„I’ll be right back.”

He must have been both hungry and thirsty at the same time, so you figured water might not be the best choice. Instead you warmed up some almond milk to make sure it would be good for his stomach and at least a little nutritious. You brought a mug back to the bedroom and helped him up a little, adjusting a metal straw just so he could drink comfortably. He drank greedily but you took it as a good sign. Obviously his stomach was able to take it too.

„Thank you,” he said when he was done as you placed the mug on a table behind you. „I… I probably would’ve been dead now if it wasn’t for you.”

„It’s possible,” you said, wiping his mouth with your sleeve. „I’d say you were pretty close. Can you tell me what happened? Who did this to you?”

Higgs sighed, obviously trying to collect his thoughts.

„The MULEs,” he said after a while. „I think they heard that I could no longer use my powers to the extent that I would have liked and decided to, well… set some things straight. Let’s just say that it wasn’t the most pleasant encounter in my life.”

He snorted with something that was probably supposed to be a laugh but went into a coughing fit seconds later. You held him up, placing one hand on the back of his head.

„Believe it or not, but I could tell. How did you manage to escape?”

„Coincidence. A porter was driving through the area and those idiots left me alone to try and get him. So i used the very last ounce of power I still had in me to teleport away from there. Unfortunately, it made me too weak to even be able to walk, but I managed to crawl my way to safety. And then I got here. I figured… if anyone…”

You were waiting for him to finish the sentence, but he never did. So you brought some more warm almond milk from the kitchen and sat next to him again, allowing him to drink at his own pace.

„You figured I would help you,” you said, holding the mug close to his face. „And you were right.”

„I guess I was.”

Silence fell between the two of you, interrupted only by the sound of him swallowing mouthfuls of liquid from the mug.

„So is it true? Did you really lose your powers?”

When he was done drinking he laid back on the bed and sighed.

„It is and then it isn’t. I mean, you see the state I’m in. But on the other hand, I didn’t lose the power itself. I was just cut from the source.”

So Heartman was right, you thought.

„The source being Amelie?”

„Precisely. That pretentious bitch used me and then just threw me away when she no longer needed me. I guess I deserved it though. I wasn’t exactly the kindest person, you know.”

„So it was her pulling all the strings? Fording you to do these things?”

„You can say that,” he sighed again, this time deeper. „She was smart about choosing her minions. I guess that’s what happens when you give unlimited power to someone who’s never had any his entire life.”

So that’s what it was about? Trying to make up for helplessness and the inability to control your own life? You didn’t want to jump to any conclusions yet, but it did seem awfully possible. Especially knowing about Amelie’s role in all of this.

„Alright,” you said, desperate for some answers but not really wanting to exhaust the man any further. „Let me see if your fever has gone down.”

You reached out with your hand to place it on his forehead and something unexpected happened. He _flinched_. Flinched and squeezed his eyes shut, trying to move away from you. It was just two seconds altogether, but even though you were puzzled at first it ultimately made so much sense. Especially in connection to what he has been saying.

„I’m not going to hurt you,” you said, trying to sound calm. „I just want to touch your forehead. Can I do that?”

Obviously surprised with his own reaction he nodded, eyes wide open and fixated on you. You tried not to think about it too much even though your thoughts were _racing_. 

You only noticed how tense he was when you finally placed the hand on his forehead and felt his body relax under your touch.

„Sorry,” he whispered, flashing you a toothy grin. „Old habits die hard, I guess.”

You didn’t want to know. You didn’t want to ask.

But the pain in your chest was not getting any better.

You eventually did place the hand on his forehead and noticed with relief that he no longer had a fever. Still, what happened shook you up a little and you decided to just leave him alone for a while. You sat down in your study and noticed a message from Heartman with a few files attached.

_I just got this from Sam_ , it said. _I think you should see this_.

Attached were twenty six parts of what you immediately recognized to be Higgs’ journal.


	2. Trying to Breathe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I decided to make some changes to this story. The second chapter features all the edited bits in the final paragraph and some additional content.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did it. I read this fanfiction again and realized that I really didn't like the ending.  
> So I rewrote the entire last paragraph, cut out what I didn't like and added a few more scenes.  
> Now I'm finally happy with this work and I hope you'll be too! <3

You spent the next few days basically walking on eggshells. You had no idea how to confront Higgs about what you read, especially remembering how angry he got when you read that single entry over a month ago. On the other hand, you couldn’t pretend that you didn’t know. You were such a bad liar. So you kept telling yourself that you were just going to wait for the right moment.

Luckily Higgs was feeling better with every passing day. After a little more than a week he was able to get up from the bed and walk around the shelter on his own. You were also able to remove the stitches from the wounds you sutured and to adjust the cast for better healing of his bones. He was also finally able to eat solid food, eagerly waiting for every single dish you would whip up for him.

One day you decided to make something sweet and maybe get him to talk a little more. You baked a simple cheesecake and brought it into the living room where Higgs was laying on the couch. He sent a puzzled look your way, eyeing the tray you were carrying with curiosity.

„Why does this smell so _nice_?” He asked, sitting up immediately.

„It’s a cake. They always smell nice.”

„A _cake_?!”

The excitement in his voice both surprised and amused you. You set the tray down on the table and watched him devour the cheesecake piece by piece. You had to snatch a piece for yourself to even be able to try it at all.

When he was finally done you saw him relax back into the couch, blissful expression on his face as he wiped his mouth with the back of his left hand. You sat back too, figuring it might indeed be a good moment to start a conversation.

„So Higgs,” you started, eyeing his face carefully for any signs of discomfort. „What wre you going to do now?”

He sat up a little, making sure to keep eye contact.

„I have no idea, darling. Honestly, I’m surprised I’m still alive. So many people out to get me and it was the MULEs who did it first? I’m pretty sure BRIDGES is going to hunt me down as soon as I step out of this shelter, especially since my powers are, well, useless. And it’s not like I can just stay here forever, no matter how charming you find me, right?”

You sighed. It wasn’t going to be easy.

„If you could go anywhere and do anything, what would you do?”

You noticed a shift in his attitude. He couldn’t deflect all your questions with his weird sense of humor.

„Well, I would probably go somewhere far away, maybe even beyond the mountains, and just stay there until the rest of my days. In fact, I was trying to do just that before the MULEs stopped me. I’ve learned my lesson, you know.”

„What lesson?”

„Wherever I go, destruction follows, even if I don’t really want it to happen. You know it well enough, sweetheart. And I would hate it if anything happened to you.”

„Me? Why is that?”

„You’re probably the only person ever who was _nice_ to me. Hell, you saved my life. Although maybe it would be better if I was gone, you know. I don’t really want to die, no, but I figured just leaving would do the trick. Only it’s not going to be as easy as I initially thought.”

You felt a sting in your heart at these words. And then you remembered what you read in the journals. He never really had anyone. Or anything, for that matter.

„Why did you do it?”

„Did what?”

„All those things to all those people. You know, with nukes and Homo Demens at your disposal.”

He sighed. It was a heavy sigh, one that you could almost feel the weight of in your own chest.

„I thought it would be the only way for me to have _something_ , you know. I had all these followers, I had this power. I never felt so… _alive_. And Amelie, this fucking bitch, she knew exactly what buttons to press. She promised me so many things and I fell for it like a kid who just got offered candy. She promised I would be important, respected. _Feared_. And I was, but so what? It didn’t matter, it didn’t matter at all.”

You moved a little closer to him, trying to make sure that he could look you right in the eyes when you started talking.

„I understand you did things you’re not proud of,” you said, making sure to choose words carefully. „But it’s not too late, you know.”

„Yeah right. Try telling that to BRIDGES.”

„I just might. But I need to know what your plans are. It seems to me like you didn’t really want to do any of these things.”

„Of course I didn’t!” you could clearly hear anger in his voice. „I just… I thought it might be the only way for me to have _something_. To have _her_ , I don’t know, someone who cared. That if I did what she said I might feel welcome. Or wanted. I know it was stupid, but there’s only so much one can take, right?!”

You did not expect those words to fall from his lips, but they hit you right when it hurt most. The constant need to be appreciated. To be praised by someone. To feel needed. You knew this feeling all too well, but you had people around you who were always eager to give you so much of it.

Judging from his words, he never had any in his entire life. No wonder he turned out to be so broken.

„I know, Higgs. I know,” you said, trying to make your voice sound as calm as possible. „I know exactly what you mean. It just seemed to me that you picked fear instead of respect out of worry that there was no other way.”

„Because there wasn’t. My own _family_ hated me. My own _father_ , well, uncle, do you know what he did to me? He kept me locked in a shelter for as long as I can remember, beating me up every single time I wanted to even take a look outside. He would beat me so badly that I could barely walk. How could there have been any other way?”

„I’m very sorry to hear that. It sounds terrible, and…”

„It _was_ terrible. But then he died and I was finally able to leave the shelter, and you know what? I was happy. I was a porter, you know? And I loved this job. Except people were still afraid of me, high DOOMs levels and shit. So I figured, why change that? Why work my ass off to prove something they wouldn’t have believed anyway? I should just find a way to be more powerful. But if you base everything you are on power, what do you have left when it’s gone? Nothing. You’re suddenly left with nothing, no fear, no respect. Nobody would even care if you’re gone. Just like I never cared about my father. Just like I felt relieved when he died, everybody else would if I did.”

„That’s not true.”

„What can _you_ know? You sit here in your fancy shelter, do your fancy work with your fancy friends. I bet you’ll all be drinking tea soon, talking about stupid Higgs who finally got what he deserved, and…”

You felt anger rising within you this time.

„Shut up! You know nothing about my life. And I care about you, okay? That’s why I brought you in. I could’ve just left you outside to die and then take you to an incinerator, but I didn’t. Not because I owed you one, but because I cared, okay?! Because I don’t believe you’re as shit as you want everyone to believe! I figured you had more in you. And I’m pretty sure I was correct.”

He opened his eyes wide, looking at you with disbelief.

„You… what?!”

„I know a broken man when I see one. And yes, you are a little shit, but it’s no wonder considering what kind of childhood you had. So maybe try and be nice for once.”

„I’m _always_ nice!”

„Oh, come on. I knew you weren’t the monster everyone’s picturing you to be. You saved me from the MULEs, for fucks’ sake. You could’ve left me there and just taken my cufflink to navigate you here, but you didn’t. And you fucking _nursed me_ back to health. You may be an idiot, yes, an idiot with really bad manners. But I’m pretty sure you have it in you to be a little… I don’t know, more likable?”

Higgs shrugged, obviously uncomfortable, but that was good. At least he was listening.

„I’m not _heartless_ , you know?” He said, sending an accusatory gaze your way. „I just… I learned to not depend on other people. With you… I may be an idiot like you said, but I really _do_ believe that you care about me.”

You rolled your eyes. _This fucking guy_.

„Well, it’s about time you did. I was really trying to make it clear.”

Was he… was he _smiling_?

„You’re right. I’m sorry. I appreciate everything that you’ve done for me. Hell, _nobody_ has ever done even half of what you did for me. But I… I don’t have anything to give you in return.”

„I didn’t do this to get something in return, Higgs.”

„Then why? Why did you help me?”

He surprised you with this question. You didn’t really know what to say because you didn’t really know the reason why yourself.

„I don’t know.”

„And you’re saying _I’m_ the broken one.”

You reached for one of the pillows and threw it his way without even thinking about it. He chuckled and caught it with his left hand with no effort whatsoever.

„I just…” you said, still baffled. „I just didn’t want you to be alone.”

„I never wanted to be alone either. Look where it got me.”

You made up your mind then. Sitting up, you gestured with your hands, getting more comfortable on the couch.

„Come here,” you said, trying to encourage him.

„Where?”

„Here. I’m not going to hurt you. I want to hug you.”

He was obviously surprised with what you said, but moved forward nonetheless. Kneeling between your legs he slowly lowered his body into your welcoming embrace, wrapping his arms around your waist. He looked up at you then, head resting on your chest as you tangled one of your hands in his hair and placed the other on the small of his back. You could feel a shiver running down his spine, a shiver he was not even trying to hide.

He eased into you then, muscles suddenly relaxing and giving in to your touch. His left hand pressed softly into your back, pulling on the fabric of your shirt. You lowered your head and buried your face in his hair, nuzzling the skin there with your nose.

It felt good. It felt _safe_.

„So this is what it feels like,” he said softly, his voice bringing you back to reality.

„What?” You asked, suddenly unable to follow his thoughts.

He shifted a little, moving his head so that his face was resting in the crook of your neck. You felt his warm breath against your skin.

„To be… I don’t know, _close_? I’ve never… been that close with anyone,” there was a strange tone to his voice; something you couldn’t really pinpoint. „It feels… different.”

„We can stop if you’d like.”

„No. _Please_.”

The _please_ came out a little desperate, raspy, almost as if he was actually scared you would push him away. But you weren’t going to. This has already gone too far and you were not going to back away now.

You couldn’t shake the feeling that he _needed_ you. And that you needed him, even if you couldn’t understand it yet.

So you brought him even closer, hand still in his hair, lips pressing against his ear.

„I’m here,” you said, voice barely above a whisper. „I’m here and I’ll take care of you.”

He moved then, moved his head to look you straight in the eyes. You almost felt you head spin from the intensity of his gaze. He placed his forehead against yours, nuzzling your nose with his.

„You will?”

„I promise.”

Seeing the look in his eyes at that exact moment you felt this strange pull in your chest again. _He’s never had this,_ you thought. _He’s probably never felt safe_. Nobody ever made him feel welcome. Forehead still against yours his body suddenly started shaking, something wet dripping onto your collarbones.

He was _crying_.

You pulled him down to your chest then, letting his head rest there and wrapping him up in a tight embrace again. You let him get it all out, let the tears soak into your shirt; honestly, you couldn’t care less. What you _did_ care about however was the fact that this man trusted you so much that he entrusted you with his _life_. It only occurred to you then that this weird pact between the two of you was far beyond just _owing him one_. You have been bound to each other by accident, yes, but it didn’t change the fact that the bond was beginning to grow much stronger with every passing moment you spent in each other’s presence. Especially now that he was crying his eyes out pressed against your chest, obviously unable to stop, violent shudders tearing through his body and ending up with soft whimpers muffled by the soaked fabric.

You had no idea how long you spent entangled with each other, you soothing him by muttering sweet nothings against his hair and him trying to calm down but failing miserably. The tears did have to stop at some point however and as soon as you felt him relax and breathe in more comfortably you realized that he probably finally let it all out. You pulled a blanket over the two of you, shifting a little to get more comfortable on the couch with Higgs’ weight still on top of you.

„I’m sorry,” he whispered after a while. „I didn’t want to ruin your shirt.”

„Oh, come on. I can always wash it. Are you OK?”

„No,” he answered, a surprised undertone to his voice. „I’m not. But I think I might be. At some point, that is.”

You smiled against his hair, nuzzling it with your nose again.

„Yeah, I just think you might. You should get some sleep now.”

He nodded, moving a little to give you more space to actually get up from the couch. You sat up on the edge turning around to see Higgs right behind you, eyes puffy from the tears he finally let out and pleading in a way you’ve never seen before. Before you even though about what you were doing, you reached out to place a hand on his cheek.

This time he didn’t flinch, didn’t try to get away from you and it made your heart almost burst with the emotions that suddenly overwhelmed you. Especially when he leaned into the touch, closing his eyes and exhaling softly.

„You want something to drink?” Your own voice sounded weird to you, almost like you were listening to someone else using it instead of you.

„N-no, I’m fine,” he answered, pulling away from your touch and falling back on the couch. „But I think you were right about me having to sleep. In fact, you probably should get some sleep too.”

„Yeah, I probably should. Before I go though… there’s one more thing I want to tell you about.”

He shuffled on the couch a little, getting closer to you.

„Should I be worried?”

„No. I just don’t want there to be any secrets between us.”

„Fair enough. Tell me.”

You took a dep breath, trying to not be too distracted by the way he was looking at you.

„I told Heartman about you. I mean, about the fact that you saved me. He promised to keep it to himself though and you can be sure that he will. He’s a good friend.”

Higgs nodded softly, not much change in his expression.

„I understand. Well, if you trust him, I trust him too, darling.”

„But there’s one other thing.”

You saying this made him sit up.

„What other thing?”

„When I told him about you,” you were trying to make your voice as soothing as possible, „He sent me a few files that were in possession of BRIDGES. Apparently they got them from Sam. It was your journal, Higgs. The one you were working on while you were here a while ago. Except it had more entries and the one you wrote here was the last. And I read all of it.”

You did see him flinch then. Almost as if he just got a punch to the gut.

„All of it? Really?”

„Yes. How did Sam get his hands on this?”

„I, uh… It was supposed to be my last joke on him. You know, I wasn’t really planning on coming back. And I just… I was kind hoping that you would get it somehow. So that you might understand more. I may not be good at talking about my past or my feelings or whatever, but… writing it down seemed easier somehow. And I didn’t just want to send it to you to not get you into any trouble.”

„So… you _wanted_ me to read this?”

„I did. I thought it would only be fair on my part. You said I can talk to you, right? That was supposed to be my final attempt. I _really_ didn’t want to bother you anymore. Although that part didn’t exactly work out I guess.”

You chuckled. He was really going to be the death of you.

„Thank you for telling me this, Higgs. I was worried that it might’ve been something you wanted to keep to yourself.”

„I did, initially. But there was this weird moment when I realized that I also want you to know me. So, there you have it. Now you know everything. And considering the fact that I’m still in your shelter and that you haven’t kicked me out yet, you probably don’t hate me.”

„I don’t. I don’t think I ever could.”

He reached out for you then, placing his good hand on your shoulder and squeezing a little. His touch was warm, _welcome_. You also realized that it didn’t make you feel uncomfortable at all.

„I wish… I met you earlier. Like, five years ago. I might have turned out a little less shitty.”

„It’s never too late, Higgs. You know me now. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.”

„I know. And it’s so weirdly nice to be sure of something for once.”

You moved a little closer to him and placed a soft kiss on his forehead. His eyes grew wider but he didn’t say anything; he just kept staring at you, obviously a little startled. It was actually pretty funny.

„Goodnight,” you said, standing up and stretching your limbs a little. „Get some rest. We can always talk tomorrow. Just don’t run away like you did last time, alright?”

He nodded and disappeared under the blanket again, turning his back to you in one swift motion. You chuckled and left for the bathroom to finally get a shower and put your soaked shirt into the washing machine.

Weirdly enough, you felt much more relaxed now.

***

You were sitting on the bed, brushing your hair and trying to wrap your mind around this entire week. So much has happened and yet you still had so many questions. Was Higgs going to stay? If not, what would BRIDGES do if they found him? Would it even be possible to try and talk to them about his future? Or would they just capture him immediately and you’d never see him again? The thought burned in your chest, making you feel uneasy and a little sick. You didn’t want him to go. You actually _liked_ him. They would probably call you stupid or naive, but you truly believed that there was still a chance for him. That he wasn’t a threat anymore without his powers and without Amelie. But you didn’t have to worry about that just yet. You had to get a good night’s sleep and get back to work on the next day.

Just as you were about to turn off the light you heard footsteps outside your bedroom. You thought that Higgs was probably up and getting something to eat. Surprisingly he stopped just outside the door, standing there for a while.

„I can see you, you know,” you said, trying not to sound irritated. „You can come in if you want.”

The door opened slowly and Higgs peeked in before coming inside.

„I didn’t want to disturb you,” he said, obviously a little shaken up. „But I… I know it’s stupid, but I had this weird dream in which you left and I couldn’t find you anywhere. So I figured it would be best to see you before I get back to sleep. Just to, you know, make sure you’re still here.”

You looked at him with disbelief, but your gaze tuned softer immediately when you noticed the way he was looking at you. He was _scared_. It hit you much harder than you thought it would, making your heart skip a beat for a moment. Without much thought, you moved a little on the bed and patted the mattress on your other side.

„Come on. You’re either getting in now or going back to the couch. I want to sleep.”

„You… want me to sleep with you?”

„Yes, I’m offering to share my bed if you want. Maybe it’ll make you sleep better. Come on, get in here.”

He hesitated for a moment but ultimately moved slowly towards the bed. He sat down on the mattress at first, obviously trying to make sure that you’re really okay with this. You nodded and smiled at him, trying to reassure him a little. Finally he pulled his legs up and crawled under the blanket next to you.

„Better?” You asked, turning off the light and laying down with your back turned towards him.

„Yes,” he said, shifting a little and brushing your arm in the process. „Warmer.”

„Good. Now go to sleep.”

It was very silent for a while and you almost dozed off, the activities of the day catching up with you. Unfortunately Higgs moved at this exact moment, waking you up completely. It’s been a long while since you had somebody else in your bed. It actually felt a lot nicer than you remembered.

„Can I touch you?” Suddenly, a quiet whisper came from behind your head. You blinked and turned your head around to look at Higgs.

„Would that make you _finally_ go to sleep?”

„No promises, but it could help.”

„Okay. Go on then.”

He moved swiftly and pressed his chest to your back, immediately wrapping his arm around your waist. You gasped at the sudden warmth of his body. It was a feeling you have long forgotten and didn’t even realize that you missed. Still, it felt so good, so _right_.

„You’re so warm,” he whispered right into your ear, brushing the skin on your neck with his lips. An involuntary shiver ran down your spine, making you curl your toes.

„ _Higgs_ ,” you whispered, surprised with your own tone. „What are you doing?”

„I just want to be close to you,” he said, his warm breath raising goosebumps on your skin. „I can leave if you want.”

The tension in the air was unbelievable, you could almost feel the static coming off his body.You wanted him, there was no way to deny it any longer. The need to be _with him_ was overwhelming, almost as much as the need to take care of him.

You were just a human being and there was only so much your body could take. You turned around to face him and you were immediately swept away by the look in his blue eyes. Even though he didn’t really express emotions with his face, his eyes always told the truth. And right now he was scared, curious and _aroused as hell_.

„I don’t want you to leave,” you said, voice barely above a whisper. „But if you stay, you have to stop touching me like that.”

„Why? You don’t like it?”

„It’s not that. I do like it. I just… don’t want you to do it if you don’t mean it.”

He shuffled a little closer, his warm breath ghosting your lips now.

„But I do mean it. I mean all of it. I want to be close to you, I want to be _one_ with you. Now, I know that I don’t really have much to offer, but… I can offer _me_. However you would have me, darling.”

You weren’t going to lie. The way he was talking and what he was saying was really _doing things_ to you. Especially when one of his hands suddenly found itself on your waist, caressing the sensitive skin there. A whimper escaped your lips before you were able to stop it.

„Are you sure?” You asked, your eyes travelling between his eyes and his lips. He didn’t seem to be hesitant.

„I never wanted to touch anyone as much as I want to touch you. And I also never felt like I could do anything to make someone happy. But I do now.”

His hand moved upwards, gliding along your side and finally stopping on your face. He pressed his thumb against your lips, the sensation of his skin against yours making you close your eyes.

„Higgs…” You whispered, trying to control your breathing.

„I want to be yours,” he whispered, moving so close that his lips were milimeters away from yours now. „Let me be yours. _Please_.”

You gave in then, closing the distance between you and capturing his mouth in a searing kiss. He moaned into it, biting your lower lip and once again wrapping his arms around your waist, only to turn you on your back and situate himself on top of you. You wrapped your legs around his hips, trying to bring him _closer_ , suddenly desperate for the feel of his skin against yours. You had to let go of the clothes somehow, you wanted to touch him _so badly_. But to take his shirt off you would have to let go of his lips and you really didn’t want to do that. Especially now that you caught this rhythm, your tongues gliding against each other so deliciously, Higgs’ moans disappearing in your throat whenever you brushed his lower lip with your teeth. The sounds he was making were intoxicating, resonating in your head, beautiful music to your ears.

You moved your hips a little and he met you halfway, pulling away from your lips only to take a deep breath and dive right back in, this time peppering your neck with soft kisses followed by long licks and little nips of his teeth. Stopping the assault on your neck only long enough to take your shirt off, he came back to pampering you immediately, his lips and tongue sliding lower and lower. When he cupped your breasts and started licking one of your already sensitive nipples, the broken moan that escaped your lips was impossible to contain.

„Higgs!” You whimpered, desperate to have more of him, more of _this_. He hummed at the sound of his own name, turning his attention to your other nipple.

„You’re so beautiful,” he whispered against your skin, moving lower to kiss more of your exposed skin. „You’re so beautiful like this.”

You reached down, catching a handful of his hair and bringing his head back up, desperate to have his lips against yours again. He whimpered at the sensation, sending another shiver down your spine.

„So are you,” you whispered, senses clouded with arousal, right before you pulled him into a heated kiss that he eagerly reciprocated.

His good hand resting on your face he continued licking into your mouth, leaving you breathless. You loved this, you loved this so much. Without much thinking you moved again, trying to suggest what you wanted. When his hard cock pressed against your belly you both moaned loudly, only breaking the kiss to take off the remaining articles of clothing.

You used this opportunity to push him into the mattress, straddling him and reaching behind you to wrap your hand around his cock. He was already so hard, moaning desperately as soon as he felt your hand on him.

„I would do anything for you,” he said then, looking you right in the eyes, his good hand resting on your forearm. „Please, don’t push me away.”

You bent your back then and touched his face, pressing a sweet kiss to his lips.

„I won’t, Higgs. I won’t push you away. If anything, I’ll pull you _closer_.”

With that you slowly started lowering yourself onto him, guiding his cock to your opening and moaning at the sensation of being stretched. He was moaning too, eyes closed, a blush spreading from his face to his chest. He was delicious like this; moaning under you, hand gripping your hips hard, his chest heaving with every breath he took. 

And then you started to move. That was when he lost it.

After just a few moves he suddenly sat up forcing you to straddle his hips, driving into your core fast and hard, making you see stars with every single thrust. His lips were against yours again, kissing you desperately, your hand in his hair trying to bring him impossibly _closer_. It was messy, it was hot, it was something you never expected, but the way he was sliding in and out of you was making you dizzy, unable to form coherent sentences anymore.

„Oh yes… _yes yes yes_ ,” he whispered against your lips. „Oh _God you feel so-”_

His moans and whispers were all over the place, his lips never leaving yours. You knew you wouldn’t be able to last long - not with the way he was picking up the pace with every other thrust.

„You’re so good, Higgs,” you whispered into his mouth, grazing his bottom lip with your teeth. „You’re so good. Such a _good boy_.”

„ _Oh fuck-”,_ his hips stuttered, throwing you both off for a moment. „ _Fuck_ , say that again.”

One hand still tangled in his hair, the other sliding against his sweaty back, you moved away from his lips to whisper right into his ear.

„You’re such a good boy,” you sighed, licking the shell of his ear and making him shiver even more. „You’re such a good boy, Higgs.”

He really came alive then, quickly changing your position so that he was on top of you now, kissing you desperately and driving into you with even more powerful thrusts. Broken moans leaving his mouth, the pace he sat was unrelenting, almost punishing in the way he was sliding into your abused core. You knew you won’t be able to las long.

„I’ll be good for you Y/N,” he whispered then, punctuating every word with a particularly strong thrust. „I’ll be _so good_ for you. _So good_ -”

„I know,” you answered, wrapping your legs around his hips to drive him in even deeper. „I know, Higgs. I got you, baby. _I got you_.”

With a few deep thrusts you could feel your orgasm building up, filling you with this familiar warmth in your belly, but also something else, something that was uniquely _Higgs_ , a weird feeling of completion, of _home_. 

„I’m so close Y/N,” he moaned, tiny beads of sweat falling down his face. „I’m _so close_ -”

„So am I,” you answered, tightening your grip around his neck. „Come on, baby, let it go. _You’re safe with me_.”

With that and two drawn out thrusts you were both coming, Higgs’ face buried in your hair right next to your head, whimpering into your ear as hot spurts of his cum filled you completely. Your hand was clutching a fistful of his hair, breathing heavily as the overwhelming bliss left you breathless for a moment. It was like dying and being brought back to life; like something you have already done for each other before, just much more intense and closer, _impossibly close_.

Higgs moved his head up then and looked at you, caressing your cheek with his knuckles. His eyes were half-lidded, post-coital bliss still an obvious influence on his facial expression. He was smiling; softly, _sweetly_. His baby blues were overflown with emotions and something else; something you have never seen there before.

„ _I love you so much_ ,” he said, blinking fast to let a few stray tears fall down his face. „God, this feels so stupid. It’s not enough. It couldn’t be enough to describe what I feel… for you.”

You smiled and placed a soft kiss on his lips, your breathing almost back to normal.

„I love you too,” you answered, tucking a few stray sweat-slicked strands of hair behind his ear. „And I’m really glad you’re here.”

„I don’t know what I did to deserve this.”

„Why do you have to _deserve_ anything? You’re just _here_. With _me_. And I _want_ you to be here. It’s all that matters.”

He nuzzled the crook of your neck with his nose, placing a few soft kisses on your exposed skin.

„Promise me you’ll never leave. _Please._ ” The tone of his voice was desperate, quiet. You felt the pull at your chest again, almost bringing tears to your eyes. You brought him closer, pressing a soft kiss to the side of his head.

„I promise. I’ll never let you go.”

You stayed like that for a while, skin against skin, impossibly close to each other and yet somehow not close enough. Higgs was absent-mindedly playing with your hair, his breath soft puffs against your cheek. You sighed and turned around to place a quick kiss on his lipsbefore untangling yourself from the heap of limbs that you two became and getting up to leave for the bathroom. You were not surprised to see Higgs sitting up too, his pale skin even more ghastly in the moonlight seeping in through a tiny window. He caught your wrist with his hand, his eyes focused on yours as soon as you turned around. He didn’t say anything, looking at you with incredible intensity instead, lips slightly parted.

You smiled and tugged at his hand a little.

„Want to take a shower with me?” You asked, cocking your heat to the side in the direction of the bathroom.

„Yes,” he answered, getting up immediately and pressing himself against your side. „But I want to wash you, if that’s okay.”

„You know I can do that myself, don’t you?” you teased, looking at him with a smug smile.

„I know, of course I know,” there it was; the funny snarkiness to his voice that you have already grown to appreciate. „But I just… I want to _do things_ for you. I _keep wanting_ to do things for you. What the hell is _wrong_ with me?”

You chuckled, pulling his hand a little more and guiding him to the bathroom.

„Nothing is wrong with you, Higgs,” you said as you turned the water on and pushed him under the warm shower stream; he looked at you with a fake scowl, pulling your wrist to bring you against his chest. „Well, maybe except for the fact that you’re a jerk sometimes.”

„But I’m _your_ jerk,” he said proudly, reaching for a bottle of shower gel and squeezing some on his hands to rub against your back. „So I’m really sorry, darling, but I guess you’re stuck with me for the time being.”

You laughed and turned a little, looking him straight in the eyes, water cascading down your bodies and enveloping you in this safe, warm wetness. He smiled back, this time emotions visible not only in his eyes, but also on his face.

„I guess I could live with that,” you murmured, pressing your face against his chest and inhaling deeply.

_Because I lost it all_

_Dead and broken my_

_Back against the wall_

_Cut me, open I_

_Just trying to breathe_

_Just trying to figure it out_

_Because I built these walls_

_To watch 'em crumble down_

_(…)_

_I believe that we all fall down sometimes_

_Can't you see that we all fall down sometimes_

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for the long wait, I hope you guys like it! I wanted to write something featuring a few Tumblr prompts and Higgs' Journal as I find his past really interesting. Also, I'm pretty curious about how different events could unfold after the end of the game, so this was another take on that!


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